Dear Readers,
Can you believe it? Another year has flown by, who would have predicted that? It is freezing outside. I am inside and am warming up by the fire in my mystic castle up here in the heart of Nadaland.
The Art Psychic bus is broke down and I had to drop the tranny to get it overhauled for my 2011 Art Psychic Bus Tour. I think I barked a knuckle on that last bolt.

At long last, here are my prognostications.

Predictions for 2011

-Rational thought is found to be a fraud and is finally debunked. Art psychics become popular again.

-Art researchers discover that the pictographs on cliffs in the desert southwest depicting antelope, deer, and bear were not made by hunters but by their mates, as grocery lists.

-Thomas Kindcaide will disappear from the public arena but resurfaces at Burning Man dressed as Jesus. Failing to ascend to heaven he gets in a limo and speeds away.

-NBC archivists will find 12 lost episodes of Seinfeld that were never aired. YES! Television is an art form. Episodes of Murder She Wrote will also be discovered but prudently lost again.

-Educators will discover that kids like art better than algebra. There will be a nationwide push to eliminate math from schools.

-Large creaking and groaning sounds will be heard throughout the world. It will turn out to be the first indications of fractures in the internet. Pen and pencil prices spike.

-The economy will rebound led by a resurgence in art buying. No, not really, just yanking your chain. Everything else in this column will really happen.

Cosmically yours,
The Art Psychic

Specializing in the art of soothsaying, prevarication, metaphors, puns, and self-delusion.

Psychic Note: These predictions were received in a foil lined laboratory, caution must be observed when futuring at home, it has been known to freak out cats.

Required disclosure statement by the Art Psychics Union,

Prognostication Accuracy Rating: 0.36%

Dear Readers,

Over the holidays I have been busy tuning up the ol’ futuring machine, removing rust and installing new psychic spark plugs, now she’s  hummin’ down that proverbial highway of fate.

2010 Predictions

-In order to keep his studio orderly, a neatness obsessed, easily distracted artist invents a transparent pen, then can’t find it.

-Right brained aliens will land with a saucer full of intergalactic artists, flooding the already
saturated world art market. The United Nations retaliates with a project to send earth artists
to outer space.

-Canine experts will report that dogs can paint…we already knew that. Have you ever set up your paintings next to a painting dog, guess who gets the most sales?

-Art historians will discover that the pitchfork depicted in Grant Wood’s painting American Gothic was the same one used by TV Show Green Acres star Eddie Albert. After the show was canceled, the pitchfork’s career plummets and is found in the rain, with its handle broken, behind a barn in Missouri.

-His biographers will reveal that  revered 20th Century realist painter Edward Hopper was deathly afraid of hopping bunnies. Ironically his parents originally were going to name him Harvey.

-Late in 2010, an artist becomes distraught when a car mistakenly crashes through his photo-realistic mural of a parking garage. All turns out well when it is eventually sold for a tidy sum, to a modern art museum as sculpture of a car crashing through a photo-realist mural of a parking garage.

-This year The National Endowment For The Arts will declare film photography dead. California photographer goes berserk.

-A woman sues a fine art painter for pain and suffering, saying his painting is so beautiful it hurts.

Cosmically yours, The Art Psychic

Dear Readers,

I can tell from the vibes that ’09 is going to be a much better one than just passed, which I care not to even mention by numeral. Hey just kidding ’08 you were okay in my book, no matter what they say about you. It is time to pull out the old box of wrenches and upload my predictions for ’09.

Predictions for ’09

-The “Art World” will be stunned when it is announced that Thomas Kincaide is name head of the National Arts Council, ha gotcha again…just kidding, I doubt if there is even a National Arts Council any longer.

-NASA will make a blunder when it sends a painter into space only to find that the paint floats off the paper due to lack of gravity. When the Shuttle lands astronauts find there space suits are really colorful…real spacy dude.

-To keep his rocks from falling over, famous Scottish artist Andy Goldsworthy, known for his stone stacking talents will turn to a more stable medium, concrete blocks. Ironically his career will then collapse.

-In a related vision, art researchers will discover that Norman Rockwell could not paint rocks well.

-An Arkansas auto mechanic will become the next Jackson Pollock when he begins to make paintings from motor oil drippings.

-Last year I predicted drug companies will market Inspira to help combat the dreaded artists block. Unfortunately new side effects were discovered. Overuse of the drug leads to plagiarism and repetitive use of derivitive motifs.

Cosmically Yours, The Art Psychic

These predictions were received in a foil lined laboratory. Use caution when futuring around cats, it freaks them out.

It is time to rise from my slumber and trudge out to the psychic tool shed, kick start the collective unconscious to foresee what the Art World has in store for us in ‘08. Ah. If we could only live in the present this would all be so unnecessary. So let me take out the sketchbook of life and draw our collective fortune.
Predictions for ‘08
-Historians will place Thomas Kincaide alongside Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, and Rembrandt, in the hiearchy of art history…no not really, I’m just yankin’ your chain.
-A drug company will market Inspira to combat the dreaded artist’s block.
-Art prices will plunge as overuse of Inspira leads to a glut of great works of art on the world market.
-Pharmaceutical stocks will soar as news of a drug to combat depression among artists is leaked.
-Selling paintings will be found to be a conspiracy among professional artists to make a living.
-Art researchers will discover Andy Warhol was mistaken, speculation is that people have nearly seventeen minutes of fame, rather than the widely accepted fifteen.
-A prominent American University will send researchers to England to find out the secret to dry humor.
-Watercolor painting will supplant football as the national obsession, no, just yanking your chain again.
Cosmically yours, The Art Psychic

It is time to wake from winter doldrums, clean the pine needles from the moat around my castle here high up in the mystic realm, unclog the quill pen and make contact with the zero point field werein the collective art consciousness resides, the future lies before us like the sculptor’s stone the painter’s canvas, and the photographers film. The likeness already formed only to be revealed by one who knows.

Predictions for ’07

Art historians will reveal two little known ironies:

-James Mcneill Whistler couldn’t whistle

-Francis Bacon hated bacon

More predictions:

-In honor of contemporary artist David Hockney, the game of hockey will be changed to hockney.

-A Sacramento graphic designer who moved to Oregon will develop moldy fonts

-An Oregon potato chip exec will invent chips that look like artist palettes.

-A missing Dreamworks special effects specialist will be found on a ranch in Oregon stacking hay bales.

-Thomas Kincaide will be spotted lurking about a starving artists sale in Pico Rivera.

-Panoramic landscape artists will assail a new federal tax on landscape paintings. The new tax will be based on the amount of acreage depicted in each painting.

-Extreme closeups of mere inches of earth will therefore become popular with painters.

-Portrait artists across the world will find themselves paying royalties to a computer digital imaging company that secretly bought the copyright to all human faces. Whenever a portrait is painted, royalties will be automatically debited from an artist’s account and credited to this company. The debit card company will then debit a surcharge for using their system, that surchage will then be subject to state and federal taxes. Those taxes will automatically be debited from that account, which will be subject to a surcharge that… well you get the picture, it goes on and on until the account is drained.

Disclaimer:

Futuring is an art not science, do not use for investment purposes.

Caution: Do not attempt futuring at home, it may cause electrical appliances to malfunction.

These predictions were received in a foil lined laboratory.