Dale Laitinen

Watercolor and oil painting, art workshop schedule, and art galleries with paintings by Dale Laitinen, artist and active workshop instructor. Dale is a signature member of the National Watercolor Society (NWS) and Watercolor West (WW). He has been featured in, The Artist’s Magazine, Watercolor Magic, Watercolor Magazine, and Drawingboard Magazine and in several books including The Splash Series, Painting with the White of your Paper, The The Transparent Watercolor Wheel and more.

Sleepless Socal Soothsayer Sickened

FAUX ART NEWS SPECIAL REPORT

Venice Beach Sensitive Never Sleeps

Southern California channeler Tryna Blue Mist never sleeps due to an art mishap. It began with a simple tattoo. To improve her psychic abilities Ms Blue Mist commissioned a tattoo artist to render a third eye on her forehead.

It is said that Tattist Carlos Surfrider rendered a most beautiful blue eye with exquisite eyelashes and a penetrating expression that bore into one’s soul. The Psychic was ecstatic.

“Visions beyond compare, unbelievable accuracy, at first I loved it! It was like channeling on a super double espresso,” the unblinking Tryna said when interviewed at her home in California. “But now its like I never sleep, I see everything all the time, day and night, in the present and beyond. Its maddening, that Carlos dude screwed up my life.”

When contacted, the famous Carlos said that he offered to redo the eye so it is closed, but the offer was rejected because the frantic soothsayer afraid she might fall asleep and never wake up.

We will keep our eye open as the story develops.

Dee Railed, reporting for F.A.N.

Angst in Cartooning World, Political Correctness Run Amok

Frida, Canine American Artist

The cartoonist originator of Frida the Art Dog is under fire by an animal rights group for his pejorative use of the term dog.
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Faux Art News has learned through a press release by an anthropomorphic-leaning political action network that the term is no longer acceptable in current language or art.

The “Canine Consciousness Awareness Society” has published a partial list of the no longer accepted language.
*Hang dog
*Dog days of summer
*You Dog
*Dog eat dog. (Not only denigrates canines but promotes cannibalism)
*Dog Star
*Here doggy doggy!
*Hot Dog

This list goes on and is too large to publish here. Contact CCAS for full behavioral parameters.

The extremist group is also lobbying in Washington DC for legislation requiring dogs to be read their rights when arrested by animal control. Also on their agenda is the requirement that all of our four-legged friends now be called Canine Americans.

When “Frida” originator Dale Laitinen was contacted for a statement, his only comment was, “Well, I’ll be dogged!”

Faux Art News report by  Lloyd Barker

Artist’s Endangered in Healthcare Loophole

Art advocacy groups are assailing the recently passed healthcare bill that leaves a loophole allowing insurance companies to deny coverage to a segment of the American people that can ill afford to be left uncovered.

According to sources close to Congress, artists who use pencils or paintbrushes will be denied coverage if they develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, Arthritis, or any other related problem in their hands or arms. In addition any vision problems will also fall into this gap in the healthcare program.

At a recent demonstration on the steps of the US Capitol in Washington, DC artists from around the country came together to protest this glaring oversight. Ironically the signs and banners carried by protesters were left blank. Not wanting to risk injury to their livelihoods, the artists refrained from using Sharpies to make signs. Many wore UV glasses to protect eyes from retinal damage.

Arthur N, Kraft, a painter from California was interviewed at the protest decried, “ This is the wholesale abandonment of culture in America. Of what use are we when we can no longer practice or chosen field!” A chorus of whispers from a small group of opera singers rose in support Art Kraft’s declaration. They too affected by the congressional slight to art and culture.

When questioned about the artists concerns, conservative legislator Hartley Keares flatly stated,” Let them use Photoshop like the rest of us.” He went on to state that if these so-called artist care so little for their appendages they shall reap what they sow.

Foster Kremple, Faux Art News

Amateur Watercolorist Coaxed to Safety

A distraught amateur watercolorist was holed up in the art room of the Foamy Waves Retirement Center in Carpton, South Carolina for two days. According to Constable Lance Rippleframe, artist Pearl Sneed snapped after she botched a cloudscape with a muddy wash.

A sky painting expert was called in by the police as a special crisis negotiator in hopes of talking down Miss Sneed. Through paint spattered windows she could be seen pacing, gesticulating, and talking to herself.

As the rain coat clad negotiator slipped through the door, this reporter glimpsed a studio that had been spattered in thalo blue, an act of madness. Everyone knows thalo colors are impossible to remove.

An apoplectic Sneed was coaxed out from behind her easel and order restored at the recreation center but the flower arranging class had to be cancelled. Miss Sneed is now resting comfortably in her cottage, and a team of experts from the regional watercolor society is poring over her cloudscape in hopes of finding the causes for the overly neutralized washes. Their finding will be reported in future press releases.
-Axel Sheensolver,  Faux Art News

Faux Art News Report: Feds Vow to Halt Art Malaise

This week newly appointed Art Czar Rusty Krust found himself perplexed by his staff’s apparent lack of enthusiasm during the newly formed U.S. Artland Revitalization and Development Office of the federal government’s Creativity Rehabilitation Project ribbon cutting ceremony. Holding up an obviously recycled plastic wine glass at his office welcome party, Krust was quoted,

“Sure, I have begun some cost cutting measures, for example, this instant wine being one. A little tap water, a spoonful of dehydrated Chardonnay Powder, and a dash of Splenda and you have yourself one scrappy little White.”

Sensing a pall of gloom cloaking the group gathered to inaugurate his staff’s new digs, this reporter noticed a flicker of  momentary panic in his eyes. But like a true denizen of the bureaucracy, Mr. Krust was quick to spin it for the best. He spouted, “Take heart, we won’t always be domiciled in the back parking lot of the Dept. of Agriculture. These  FEMA trailers get a little getting used to, but once the Louisiana mud is hosed off and the rust holes duct taped, they won’t be half bad. There are jobs in the arts to be had, our office plans to put artists to work painting logos on forest service utility vehicles.”

He went on to explain that in these times of cost containment all unnecessary frills have to be curbed in order to get the nation’s economy back on Track. Pointing out that most of the recent stimulus package has gone to the banks, he said, “Artists have to be patient, needn’t be so greedy, their turn will come.”

“We need our bankers to be happy so they will be kind to us.”

The room was nearly empty by this time, most of the staff having departed for their cars, leaving a a trail of footprints made visible by Louisiana mud.

Doan Bleevit,  for Faux Art News, reporting all the news thats fit to fake.

Juxtaposition Under Assault at Art Writer’s Conference

Long simmering tensions erupted in the normally quiet seaside community of Santa Barbara, California, playground to the rich, near rich, and wannabe rich, which played host to the National Art Writers and Critics Annual Conference at the posh Red Sail Yacht Club. Tempers flared as the conservative monosyllabic faction of the conference entered a motion to have the word juxtaposition removed from the organization’s list of officially sanctioned words to be used in critical reviews. With echoes of the convening gavel still reverberating down the corridors of the Red Sail Inn, Thor Hammertoss the newly elected president of the writer’s group called for a special amendment to the charter condemning the offending word and asking that ten dollar words such as these be stricken from use in any and all critical articles written henceforth.
Speaking on a live satellite feed from his Texas Ranch, President Bush fueled the fires by siding with the mono-syllabics.

“Heh heh, Juxt-sopishin, juxtrapsishin, is, a, hard, word, I, am, for, not, using, hard, words.” Bush said speaking extemporaneously to the writer’s conference.

It was left to a very pregnant Destiny Moonchild of Big Sur, spokesperson for the hastily formed progressive Literacy Defense League to stem the onslaught. Ms. Moonchild, somewhat nonplussed by Bush’s impassioned support of the conservatives, spoke up saying,
“J U X T A P O S I T I O N, is so pretty, where else can you use J, U, and X in the same word, and use it over and over”.
Destiny’s melodic voice quieted the throng, a reverent hush came over the assembly as she managed to juxtapose beauty, art, freedom, Jesus, and the First Amendment, in a soliloquy for the ages. She was met with thunderous applause there in the Sunset Room, in the end the voice of reason prevailed and pedestrian mono-syllabicism was defeated in favor of esoterica. Emotion spent, they all sat in silence and finished their crab cakes.
By Reilly Knott Truman, Faux Art News

Postscript: Destiny Moonchild has given birth to a 7 pound 6 ounce baby boy, juxtaposed next to him is his twin brother.
Congratulations from the staff of Faux Art News.
Thor Hammertoss resigned as president of the Art Writers and Critics Association

Dale Laitinen

Dale is an active workshop instructor and signature member of the National Watercolor Society (NWS) and Watercolor West (WW). He has been featured in, The Artist's Magazine, Watercolor Magic, Watercolor Magazine, Drawingboard Magazine and in several books including The Splash Series, Painting with the White of your Paper, The Transparent Watercolor Wheel and more!

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